Have Gun, Will Travel.

So I haven’t really updated lately. And I guess I should.

Taryn’s gone home. She went home and it was sorta rough, but I had to work so I couldn’t go with her to the airport.

I started my new job. It’s amazing. I love it. My first day I’d pretty much picked everything up and now I’m fair fucking independent. It’s really just muffins and microwaves and coffee and dishwashers, but the people are so nice and the food’s pretty great. They have a stupid policy where if you break a muffin, you keep it. Pretty fucking terrible incentive not to break muffins if you ask me but that’s not the point. I love it. Couldn’t work anywhere else.

I got a text during the day one day last week to go to see Kisschasy and the Cat empire for free in Fed Square so of course I said fucking yes!

I went with Michael Shelley and David Gill and Nick and Ethan and others. Oh and Lauren came too later.But yeah, it was meant to start at 5, but we got there at 4 and at that time there was seriously no-one there. There were massive epic gaps where people could be, and people weren’t even sitting at the barrier. People decided to sit back instead of getting barrier, so we all just walked up and sat straight down. I mean, why not. So Lauren got there and I went with her to get changed and by the time we got back, there were definitely more people there. But still, not enough that we couldn’t get our spots back.

It was some global climate change vote thing, but seriously, we were there for Kisschasy. Jimoen was there! The most hilarious entertaining MC ever in the history of the world. And because we had barrier, he was pretty much talking to us. All of the bands were like that, they sorta paid attention to the front row and didn’t even care that they were playing to the whole of fed fucking square.

By the time the first band came on, some massive amount of reggae people with the lead singer looking like a lizard and the least enthusiastic backup singers ever, the place had pretty much filllled up. And we still had our barrier. There was no pushing, no rioting, nothing. Just people who didn’t know what to do at concerts so stood still. It was great. For the first band everyone just couldn’t help but groove along. They were excellent. If you like that sorta thing. And I mean, I don’t really, but musically they’re amazing. I really appreciate passion in music. Jimoen had made a comment earlier about bands that say the word people alot. And it was hilarious. And this band was full of it.

Kischasy was up next, after talks about voting for this cause and global warming and all that but hey, it was free, I can deal with ads. So they came on and they played doo doo’s and woah oh’s, opinions wont keep you warm at night, tiny plastic cup, The perfect way to meet, spray on pants. Well just lots. But they were great. It was seriously just like 2o of us going nuts. And half of them were my friends and the other half were just dragged in by us. I went fucking nuts. They were great. We all tried to get them to play this bed. We screeeeamed it out about a hundred times and then in the end they were just like “Oh, you can hear that at our other tour, you have to pay for that song” laughing and giggling. I threw my aviators up on stage and Darren wore them, it was great. I smiled :) And in the end I caught a drumstick.

By this stage harriet and Immy had showed up and we just chilled :) even though it was almost impossible, they didn’t care. Jimoen came back out, and he was talking and we kept yelling at him to get the pick for us. But he was all “Ooh look a pick, I might just keep this for myself” and instead he gave it to the security guard. And then he found another one, and did the same thing, and he was all “Who should I give this to?” and everyone put their hand out and screamed, but I just reached out and kept this epic smile on my face. And he said “Aw look, we’ll give it to that girl, she has an amazing smile” and he reached out into the audience and gave it to me. I was so fucking happy.

Then some pretty acoustic boy came out and played a few songs, and then they tried to teach us this dance. All like “Ooh, it’s hot out here, I said there’s too much carbon in the atmosphere, I said Ooh, it’s hot out here, I said there’s too much carbon in the atmosphere. Take action take action and get some satisfaction!” but fuck it was lame. Michael was just all “BLOW ME, BLOW ME, and get some satisfaction!” It was real fucking lame.

We made Jimoen do it. And then he just passed it off to this stage hand guy.

But yeah, cat empire were also good. They played Hello as their encore though. And that’s really the only song I really like. The other stuff was good but like not hello. The guys to our left were there for the cat empire and knew all the words and went nuts. Including the one who took their shirt off and rubbed all over lauren. But yeah, great night. Then went to maccas for coffee and food. Then training it homee.

It’s show time again and I’ve already been twice :) I went the first day it opened with Steph and Giles and we were only there for the evening and just looked around and chilled. It was pretty good. Not really the real show experience though. Then went home and taught the little ones some reading skills and home to sleep. There was an amazing sunset out that night.

And then on the weekend I went to Amy’s queen scout presentation. Pretty swish if you ask me. That girl is so cute. I love her. It was really really great to catch up with people I hadn’t caught up with in ages. The whole ceremony just made me want to get my queen scout even more :) I am heaps excited. I was almost moved to tears with some of the things she said. And some of them made me so happy.

I stayed at Harriets that night and her parents are fucking excellent. Her mum is so hillarious I love it. We made the most amazing nachos with guacamole and chilled and watched skins. She’s great. In the morning we had guacamole on toast and walked to the station so I could go to the show. This time with Matt and Steph.

Me and Harriet took forever to get out of bed, pissing the living fuck out of matt and Steph but hey. We got there. Harriet went off to see her little Craig Farqhuarson or however you want to spell it. But I laughed. And then me and Matt and Steph all jetsetted towards the show.

It was a great day I must say. We went on the little anti gravity stick to the walls spinny mobile ride. And won ourselves a massive blue dragon we called Nigel :) He’s amazing. You just wanted to hug him. Steph wouldn’t let him go the whole fucking day. Steph won a rose, and we just chilled. Lots of pointless walking and lots more wandering. We were hanging around til the night time when the motorcross would come out and then the fireworks. The show gets a little less and less entertaining over the years, but I still couldn’t miss it for the world. Me and steph then went on the break dance or the whatever its called. But the one that jerks you EVERYWHERE. And it was great. And then just before the epic spectacular in the evening we went and bought ourselves some shamwows. Even though Steph was not impressed. I still think its great.

It was heaps nice, we started to watch the hot saws which were sorta good. And then this stupid woman comes out on a tractor, and she’s singing these songs about what’s in a womans bag and fuck. Lamest thing ever. Even the tractor driver fell asleep. We thought he died. It was the best.

Then the MC man came out on a bike, and we were all Oh yeah. But then he said thanks to rip snorter or whatever you could win this bike by being loud and having fun and matt fucking LOST it. Started jumping over people’s heads and trying to get to the bike. Screaming louder than life, waving his arms like a lunatic. Even people who didn’t know him thought it was more than hilarious. Then they had these bush games with horses and stuff and it was pretty nuts. Matt went absolutely crazy for the red team, wanting this bike, like, we could pretty much tell him to do anything, and he’d do it. We told him to wave his arms, run this way, run that way. He just did it. And still didn’t win the bike.

Some kid on the other side did. He was like half the size of the bike. Then the motorcross came out. And it started to rain. So they did like half their normal set, and that’s about as much as they could do without slipping off the runway and dying. But it was plenty entertaining. Then the fireworks started and by this time, it was really fucking raining, So I had the little shamwow on my head, and matt was wrapping himself in the big one. Then we sorta all cuddled up and put the big one over all three of us. Seriously, without sounding like a freak, it was one of the nicest things ever. To sit under that shamwow and watch the  fireworks, and laugh and smile and just be around each other made me realise how important these people are to me. And how much I love them. It really was an I love being alive moment. And I haven’t had one in a good while.

So then we went and rushed intot he grand pavillion to get something warm to eat, and got byron bay donuts. And matt came back, and was like “I NEED MONEY FOR ALCOHOL, I CAN TOTALLY BUY IT” So Matt went and bought us some massive bottle of Ned Kelly Red Wine and we’re pretty much saving it for this weekend with the cardboard canoe. It’ll be excellent. Really. But yeah, then we went home all wet and tired but great day.

And then that’s about it. I stayed at tom’s last night. And we watched movies, and then today I worked. Tomorrow will be most excellent. Seeing as how Belinda is here! :D

More than excited.Anyway. This is definitely more than enough writing and took definitely more than enough time to write.

So yesterday, I flew. I really did.

Well, flew my kite, which I wanted to do for a while. Epic fail. Epic lack of wind. Epic lack of running.

I started off with Taryn not caring at all, then the whole thing got tangled, and then I got it stuck in this mahoosive tree which was not the most excellent thing in the world. But you see, the whole kite flying thing was a bit of a flop.

But we laughed, it was fairly hilarious for the time it lasted. We set off this horrible fart bomb as well, smelled like the worst thing in the whole world. It didn’t go off so I was the one who had to go hit it with a really really long stick. And it went eeeeverywhere.

So we had to hose everything down, so the dog wouldn’t go out there and eat all the horrible smelling chemicals and what nots, and ended up spraying the dog, and the whole half side of the house. Mum wasn’t thrilled.

But yeah, yesterday was good. We got up and then went to the plaza for a bit and did some shopping. Nothing really too exciting. Until the night time. When we had the cubs disco.

It was all going fucking sweet. We had the lights on and the music out and the kids were all going nuts and having a really great time. Me and Taryn danced, and the kids all came and danced with us, and we did the Macarena and sucked epicly. We were so out of time, and all the other kids were following us because we were meant to know what we were doing. So we were just shaking around everywhere while Steph filmed it.

Then the kids got feral and started rolling each other up in fucking gym mats and jumping on each other and bah. So we had to sit them against the wall and bobbed for apples. But yeah, pretty sweet night. Except for the kids being stupid.

Worked my first shift today :D
I woke up and tied my hair up only to find just a fucking chunk of it was still pink…But it’s okay. I got Taryn to colour over it in black permo.
Seriously, loving it. Not a thing wrong in the world. Easiest job, best people and I get to work with coffee’s Thursday. Everything’s looking up in my little world. Even though I know it wont be long until it all comes back down again I know that now, I’m better equipped for dealing with it. 

Now’s just the loneliest I’ve been in a while.
But I’ll get over it. I always do.
Even though someone to cuddle wouldn’t exactly be a bad thing.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just go off myself right now”

They’re the words I never like hearing when I pick up the phone, but unfortunately, today’s just one of those days…another day, another moment, another second, where things just don’t seem too peachy in some people’s worlds.

And I’m sorry your world is a bit under the weather. But you know, that I’m here. And I’m here for every part of your world, every stupid decision, every burden and even every smile. And the smiles are what makes this all worth while. So to be honest, tonight is just something that we’re going to smile through, til the next time we get to sit and drink tea and listen to city and colour.

“With you on my mind
And my heart held in your hands”

I need you to know I’m here, and I always will be. Your time’s not up yet, your diary’s barely full and you’ve still got so much more ink left, nothing’s drying up just yet. You don’t want to go up to someone on the other side of this life, and they look at your file, and all you’ve got to show for your life is a few fucked up chances and wrong decisions, if you just give yourself that opportunity to shine, things can only get better from here, but only if you make that extra special change. Start filling y0ur diary with things you collect, old memories, and photos, look back on your life in 60 years and smile at all the things that have gone right. Because I’m sure this will be one of them. Just another bad night. Everyone has them, you just need to learn how to work through all this.

Tonight I’m here for you more than I ever have been, more than you’ll ever know. I won’t leave you tonight, no matter what happens. And it’s just that much harder with you that far away. You know what? I love you. You’re my best friend and that’s all there is to it. I miss you heaps. More than I ever have when you leave, normally I’ve never been upset about you going back home, but this time it’s different. I’m just getting used to having you back in my life and I’m pretty sure it’s about time you came home and let me have the chance to help you.

I love you buddy, never forget that.

Om Nom Nom

I just realised this is a diary I might actually keep.
Fuck yes.

“It would be like doing my sister”

I’ve just realised how recently I’ve started becoming past the point of dateable with people and into the point of family, and epic epic close friends that you just wouldn’t break if your life depended on it.

And I guess I’m liking it. This is most definitely a comfortable place :)

“Please slow down girl.
We're moving way too fast for their world.
We've gotta make this last.”

I’m not even too fussed I’m so happy off of other people’s happiness and smiles, because, well, that’s just it. I’m happy. And I like having company so much. Company sure does keep that warm feeling inside.

People leave and the breeze slowly breaks through, but right now, my barriers are built high with people who are keeping me warm. And I love it.

Thankyou world. Thankyou best friends.
The real ones that is.

Oh and hello summer. I missed you.
I cant fucking wait to fly my spiderman kite;

Everything should be just fine. But for now, I’m not quite sure.

So I haven’t done this in a few days due to the fact that well, I have had my best friend here and it’s been ages.

Taryn came down from Sydney on Wednesday. And it’s been pretty sweet. I mean, sure, there’s been hiccups but we’re bound to fight about some things. She’s met a fair few of my friends, drank a fair lot of tea, listened to a fair lot of city and colour, and heard the dog bark a fair few times.

She’s out at Lockies house tonight. And I’m just unwinding. As nice as it is to have company, it’s nice to have a few minutes to myself. I like being alone sometimes.

Chilled in the city today, with her friend, sat and watched a busker and it really made me think. It was fucking excellent. It was this guy with poofy pants and a finnish accent (me and Taryn both agree that they are the sexiest men in the world, ever) and he beat boxed. And he was amazing. He did things that were so shocking, so we sat down, and listened, just…listened. Smiling and haw open the whole time giggling. He was so amazing. And then we sorta got up, gave him every ounce of our spare change and left.

Then….We came back. We got a few steps down the road and completely agreed we had to go back, we had to listen some more. So we went back. Listened. And smiled. Harder than I have in a while. We then clapped for him, and left.

But that wasn’t it. We just couldn’t leave. We went and bought this little heart made out of the same stuff they make woven baskets out of, and gave him that, and all the spare change in the world, after sitting there for another 20 minutes.

He said the most amazing thing. He said “The one thing we can’t lose in our lives, is our mouth, so why not beatbox? It just makes no sense”

We’ve pretty much decided that we’re busking now. We’re getting a recreational busking permit. Me and taryn both love singing, and I just want the feeling of performing to an audience who aren’t captive, who don’t have to sit and nod and say it’s great, who can just walk on by if it’s not what they’re looking for, and it’s something I can share. I’m big on creating memories and it’s something I don’t want to die not giving a shot.

I swear if I make enough to get a 30 cent, or whatever cents they are now cone, I will most definitely be smiling.

Taryn bought these ridiculous horny mint things today. Like, passion mints or something. Most ridiculous thing ever. They were just feeeerrrral tasting mints. We took two each and were totally turned off by the taste. It was all for laughs though. We read the ingredients, they were like, green tea, menthol, sugar, gum, all the usual mint ingredients.

Still, not really upset in any way they didn’t work.

I’m sorta over people tonight though. It’s like some people never grew up at the right rate, or never got the memo about how to respond to certain situations. And I guess I get a little bit too frustrated with people who aren’t up to the maturity level when it comes to dealing with problems, but I guess that’s just the way the world works.

I couldn’t just sit here and smile and nod when people say things that I most definately think are just that little bit more ridiculous than anything in the world.

Like when someone over reacts, without hearing the full story. Or making a problem they caused into a problem that caused them pain. It’s ridiculous and I'm fair over it.

I can sit here and be as positive as I want but I just don’t like the way some people deal with things, and here’s my little rant spot. Not like anyone else seems to be listening fair closely lately.

It’s been a good while since I’ve actually let anyone tell me “I love you” and mean it. And I don’t know how positive I feel about that. I love love love love love the fact that I can live without having to hear it, and I’m happy without it. But I guess there’s times when I would just kill to have someone cuddle me and whisper that in my ear. But I guess it’s been a fair while since I believed everything that was whispered in my ear.

I guess I’ve written enough. This is a blog not a novel after all.

and I hate to say it, But I’m slowly getting back to happy.

I like everything at the moment.
I love smiling, I love being happy, I love talking getting myself back in touch with the people who used to make me happy and I lost touch with, I love listening to those bands, those ones that make me smile and feel whole inside, I love having a clean room knowing my best friend is coming home tomorrow, and I love just sitting on the couch with my dog.

I’m  loving this. I really am. I think I’m getting back to happy…

Even though I smell like balloons right now, and the weather is epic shit, I can do this, I can smile.

So taryn comes back tomorrow, finally. And for the first time ever dad’s actually agreed to letting someone come live with me for a few days.
He seriously never lets anyone do this, but it’s his easy way out of me going to sydney if she comes here.

I really can’t wait. It’s been so long man, Now I get to just spend a few days and nights with her not having to stress about anything else. She’s just…here. Which means dad will be on his best behaviour, and I get to have someone to chill with no matter which way I turn. And it’s my best friend. Ah. Loving it.

Music’s really consuming me again, seriously, I’m loving the fact that I can listen to music again. Before it was really really nothing in my life, except concerts, and even then it didn’t have the same kick. I never had the time for it being at school. Normally I’d sit down and listen to it in a bad mood and it’d be my support, but I was so far past that, I was way too drained to even listen to music, and now I’m crawling back up. I love it. I love smiling and being myself.

So for now, fuck everyone else, I’m really really happy. And please world, don’t take that away from me. I need this for once. I really really do.

End of negativity, in comes positive thinking.
I hate being upset. So why should I?

“And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up”

Time to smile man. I'm finally fucking working out.

Oh and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you, and I don’t like hearing you say those things, but I guess I can’t do it anymore. To all of you, all of you that say these things about me, that I can’t say back. I’m so sorry. I wish I could, but I don’t love like that anymore. I can’t. I can’t just turn off and hurt you. But we can still be friends, and all of you, I’m still here to listen to anything you have to rant to me about. I do love you, just, not like that.
I hate to hear you say things like that, knowing I caused that, and I’m so sorry. I wish we could just go back to the way things were before. Before aaaall this.

I just had to say sorry. I feel terrible about this all. You still mean something to me. Just not that. Please, don’t think this is your fault.

Anyway, back to smiling. I am most definitely. Most definitely feeling that happy thing again. Wherever you have been. I like it.

For the rest of my life, I'll have to think twice.

I've never hated anyone as much as you.
You're a fucking idiot.
You've ruined my life.
No other family lives like this and you always turn any happy moment in my life into the most horrible memory I'll ever had.
You'd get a fathers day if you were actually my father.
I'll never forget the physical and mental scars you've left on me.
And tonight. This fucking takes the cake.
You upset the 2 most important people in my life and leave them with this imprint of a fighting family. They don't understand and you make me and them fight.
I love them more than anything. And all you do is make my Nannu cry and stress, he can't even fucking comprehend the situation. And you leave him to ask the question of where you've gone. When you can't deal with things you run off.
I don't even beleive you're human anymore.
I don't want anyone to try and help me. And that's all you've done. Made us a burden family.
You're not sane. I don't feel wrong to want you to have an affair or leave.
I wish you would just do the best for all of us and stop lying. Youre a dick. You're not worth my breath. I hate you.
I hate you I hate you I hate you.
I never want to see a happy family again. Because I'm so fucking jealous.
I will never be like you.

I will make my own life liveable.
This isn't home. Were not talking as of today. Don't make me leave for good this time.



I just want to go back to our house and sleep. Wake up to a morning without you.
You've ruined me.

Candy: Tastes like chicken if chicken was a candy.

I’m pretty over making the effort with you. I wish you’d still look at me the same way you used to. And we could talk the way we did.

So ya know what, I don’t want to do this much longer…It’s just hurting me knowing that we’ve drifted this far, so I don’t think I’m going to bother right  now, or any more to be honest. I barely even see you anymore.

I miss hearing your jibber jabber and talking to you and laughing at the ridiculous things you used to say to me. But now I’m lucky if I get a few words every now and again. Yeah, I guess I miss you, I guess that’s all I want to say.

Not like I can tell you this, because we barely talk anymore. So next time I feel like talking to you, I guess I’ll just need to remember that you’re not here anymore.

I realised all this laying in the grass at the scout hall with a rubbish bin on my head looking at the leaves in the wind. Til Steph jumped me. And I realised there’s more to life than you, and I have amazing friends. I’m sick of spending time that I could be off making memories laying on the ground looking up and thinking about what isn’t.

So to everyone else tonight, sorry I wasn’t myself. Shit’s been rough. And I wasn't really all that tired, more worn out, mentally and physically. And I’m not quite all the way to happy.

But I’m living for what is. And right now that’s not you. But whatever.
It’s my fault I do still love you.

PS. I didn’t take this photo. I wish.

Have you ever been alone?

No-one makes me angrier than you.
Seriously, hearing anything you say about me with your stupid fucking ridiculous ways make me shake with rage. And no-one else can make me do that you know?

You’re insane. You are not the same person you were a year ago. Right now, you’re just an un-educated giggly fuck who sits around all day in their dead end job making minimum wage and living your life on the internet talking to your amazingly un amazing boyfriend. Seriously.

You’re not tough, so stop hiding behind other people, and stop hiding behind things that you’re not. Just because you come from a place that is known for being faggots and dickheads doesn’t mean you have to slump down to their level.

You are not clever, and you are annoying and inappropriate. You have no acceptable social skills. And yes, I know that what I’m doing with my life isn’t getting me far, but right now, I’m smiling.

You’re the only thing dragging me down and it makes me so happy to put you in the past. There’s a reason why they call it MY life. Because it’s the only thing that I ever really have full control over. I give up caring about you. I’m taking my own fucking advice now and surrounding myself with people that make me smile. And you’re not one of them.

I’ll tell my kids about you one day, and laugh and wonder where you are. But that’s about as much as I ever want to have to do with you anymore.

Thankyou very much.

On a lighter note. I love you spring. I love you muffin break. I love you grevillea nurseries. I love you future. I love you smile, I’ve missed you.

“I wake up to find it's another
Four aspirin morning, and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday.
When did society decide that we had to change
And wash a tee shirt after every individual use:
If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.”

I spent hours of my day before sitting in the long grass taking photos of butterflies and flowers. I haven’t been outside in so long, and that’s my happy place. As a kid it used to be where I’d go all the time to run around and frolic so going back out today was a real happy moment.

I got a call from muffin break, telling me I’ve got the job and I’m going in tomorrow to work out hours and bank details and things :) Plus working at the nursery on Sunday. Getting paid $11.18 an hour at muffin break. More than excited.

Cub stuff tonight. Then venturers. Boy oh boy scouts is taking over my life.

But man. I am happy. And I will go back to school next year. At least finish my VCE through home schooling, I have to. I’ve decided my dreams are the top thing right now. And I want to be a sound technician and work with live sound, and I can’t do that being under educated. Or at least not having that little piece of paper to waggle in people’s faces. But really, I can do this.

…Beats the hell out of mine here.

 

And maybe, just maybe, I should’ve made more time for you.
And I hate that you’ll never grow old.
And I hate that it didn’t go the way things go in bedtime stories.
But most of all I hate that I even have the chance to write things like this.

Come home.

And you know I’d walk A thousand miles.

So today was interesting.

Talked to the people at muffin break and as long as my references all check out, which they should because they’re friends, then I’ve got the job.

I am so fucking happy. I sat there listening to carrion having the biggest fucking fit around my room ever. Running around hitting things jumping up and down and shaking my hair. Man. Excellent.

Walked to the plaza and saw Tom, which I haven’t done in longgggg times. It was so epic pretty outside. It has not been that sunny in so long. I would never have thought of walking to to the plaza in thongs two weeks ago, or walking to the plaza at all, but outside was all spring like and still green and ah :) Pleasant. It’s been way too long since I’ve seen the sun. It’s like seeing an old friend, or better. Well whatever it was, it was excellent.

Shopping was fair good too. Bought green kitchen scales and a cube…and went teapot shopping. but whatever. fair chill.

Then cub stuff. I swear, it’s like I’m permanently living at that hall  now. Scouts is consuming my lifeeee.  I feel all greasy and icky after eating fish and chips again, but such is life.

“Carrion
In a moment I'm lost
Taken from the inside
Her eyes take me away
Tear me apart from the inside out
Did I speak in volumes?
But a mass refuse to move
Could this ever be the last time?
The final time that we take this road”

And through all that I still miss you. And I miss you every day. Nothing up there could be as important as how much I need you down here. I don’t like the spring without you…I’d rather be back in your arms, not how things are now. Bah, its just one of those nights I guess. It’s just been too long, A year and a half now :/